Oh Tannenbaum you s.o.b.

It's no secret that I'm not exactly your classic "holiday person".  Once the kids are grown, the holidays just don't tickle my tootsies...or anything else for that matter.

This year the holiday began with a new tree....not a NEW new tree - a used one that my friend offered to us when she and her husband downsized. ( They still had three full sized trees left, I believe. She's all about the holidays)  The tree we received isn't your run of the mill faker...It definitely cost a sizable chunk of change way back when it was purchased. Prelit and all ready to go. Just fluff the branches and it will be Christmas. It came to us snugly ensconced in a rugged canvas bag with zippers and velcro and pull strings and hidden metal rings at the top and bottom carefully tucked inside the bag lining.  It was quite a bag. The bagged tree lived in a corner of our garage all summer and fall.  When December hit we decided that maybe we should look at this tree and see if it would work in our modest, middle class house.

How to get it in the house?  Realistically it would make the most sense to take it outside and then enter the house through the front door.  It would be the path of least resistance.  But we didn't do it that way, of course.  We chose to enter through the inner garage door that leads into our kitchen, hallway and family room (think "family room" 1970's style- no high ceilings).  In case you are not familiar with 1970's architecture (and I use that  term loosely) - it is based on the theory of "nothing is open and nothing is easily accessed".  Every room in my house is walled off from another and requires walking through hallways and making a series of twists and turns.( Are you jealous yet?)

The tree, we soon learned, was not only bulky, it was also heavy.  And while we could drag it to the door, lifting it and getting it inside proved a tough assignment for two 65+ year old slackers.  But we did it. A lot of yelling, "Watch it! Stop! You're stuck on something!" and "Fuck, this is hard!".  So we got it into the house.  The top of the tree lay on the floor just inside the door, the base rested on our kitchen floor.  In order to move it to the living room we would have to hoist it about four feet to clear a useless half wall that marks the entry to the kitchen.  More swearing. Once passed the kitchen, we next had to make a sharp left turn in the "foyer' (ahem) in order to get into the living room.  Furniture had to be moved.  And once again the tree had to be lifted high enough to clear the banister at the bottom of the stairs. We scratched two walls, gouged the edge of one step and, dripping in sweat, we finally reached the living room.  We dropped the tree to the floor and left it there....blocking this entry to the room, for three days.

On day four our goal was to remove the tree from the bag. I looked for the zipper.  There were several - but they didn't do much.  Opened a pocket here and there maybe.  I unvelcroed some straps. Didn't do much. I tugged on some strings and loosened them,.  I pulled at the bottom hidden ring to see if I could slip the canvas down.  All this was fruitless.  The logical, practical one long zipper that I needed did not exist.  Once again Bob and I tugged, coaxed and cajoled the canvas cover.  It yielded a few top branches. I removed the base.  That did nothing except make the tree unable to stand on its own. And - ta da - I realized that the bottom of the pole near the base was bent! (Did we do this? Who knows.) I broke down and called my friend. "How the hell do you get this tree out of the bag???"  She laughed.  Once she pulled herself together she admitted that unwrapping the tree was, to be sure, a miserable task.  "Be patient. You kind of have to wiggle it down.  And don't remove the canvas bag. It stays at the base and you cover it with your tree skirt "(Who the hell has a tree skirt? Not me  I do, however have nice black pencil skirt.)

Two hours and several mishaps later we freed the tree, reattached the stand (but first we tried to hammer the pole to straighten it. Um not happening) We spent 20 minutes propping the tree to make it look straight and then plugged it in.  The prelit tree had sections of dead lights, naturally.  We added two strands to the dark area, fluffed the branches (but not well) and declared the mission complete. Several days later I decorated it...and tried to fill in the unfluffed areas. It was ok. I don't enjoy decorating trees, (Sorry Christmas freaks) Persons entering our house were warned to NOT mention that the tree was crooked or they would be asked to leave.

In all the years we've had trees, no one has ever gone out of their way to complement one.  But oddly, this year, the Xmas eve family gathering was loaded with "That tree is so pretty."  "I like like that thing you did with feathers."  "Wow, nice tree."   With each complement I waited for a punchline that never came.  I guess it's a good thing to get everyone liquored up on Xmas eve....everything looks better when seen through a wine haze.

We are still debating what to do this week when we un-decorate.  Will we reuse the cursed canvas?  Should I go to Costco and buy industrial sized plastic wrap and try that instead?

And the big question?  How the hell are we going to get it back to the garage?  Bob suggested that we donate the tree to the trash guys.  He may have the best idea. I don't know how the trash guys will like it though.