Sunday, June 2, 2013

Peter Pan's bad twin lives here

I don't know when "parenting" became a verb.  It used to be a noun but it isn't anymore.  At any rate, I began parenting in my late 30's and today, in my mid sixties, I'm still doing it.  And I don't know how to make it go away. My life sentence. My recurring theme.

Why visit this again? A bad weekend with "the kid" and today's horoscope.  The horoscope got me thinking that maybe the universe is again taunting me. It wouldn't be the first time; won't be the last.  Here it is::

"It's time to put a stop to something. It may be a bad habit, a bad job or even a bad relationship, but you know in your heart what you have to do. Endings create beginnings, after all!"

(Note the "chipper" delivery.  Obviously the writer lives in a monastery and has no life. - or worse, he/she is one of those perky positive people.)

With Father's Day approaching I would like to give my husband and my ex-husband the gift they both want. (Actually the gift we all want)A real, live, functioning, self-sufficient. motivated, honest, and independent son/stepson.  But I can't. the only person who can do that is my son and he is showing no interest.  This weekend was loaded with verbal skirmishes about finding a job - any job.  Each of us jots down the names of places that have "help wanted" signs in the windows. We give this information to him.  He finds fault with all of it. Mostly he just ignores us.  He has better things to do.  He is trying to conquer all levels of Candy Crush Saga.

Why not toss him out?  Seriously? Would I ever sleep again? He has no money, no job, no motivation, no skills and a police record that begins at age 14 and ends with a drug felony for possession.  Oddly enough, the felony hasn't been as big a job-finding problem for him as the OWI that occurred during one of the arrests. This OWI keeps him from getting any job in or around cars (which is the only interest or semi-skill he has).

 He also has some serious mental health issues having been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (the worst), Attachment disorder, and some Narcissistic tendencies. So he gets fired a lot and it is never his fault. He is remorseless - but can feign it when necessary.  He appears to have no shame either.  His life is like no one else he knows...and he doesn't seem to care or notice.  Most of the guys he got in trouble with along the years are either dead , working to build a better life, or are married with kids and living like a normal person.  My son has few friends, if any, no social life, and debt collectors chasing him down all over the city. He can't handle a checking account and his overdraft history is awful. (Do you think Candy Crush will help this?)

He lives today, like he did when he was 16. Nothing about him has changed.  He has bursts of mania during which he can be incredibly wonderful and helpful - but they don't last long..  He is not bi-polar and if he were, he would refuse medication.

Sadly, as frustrating and maddening as this is, I still look at him and see that beautiful little almond-eyed boy who walked off the plane  from Korea clutching the hand of his escort and trying to take in everything around him.  The only "orphan" who wasn't crying. The little guy who walked into my arms , let me hug him and then handed me one of the toy cars he had in his hand.  I see the child who never quite fit in with kids his age. A loner - who never seemed to notice that he had no friends. He would call anyone who talked to him "my friend".  Even when he didn't know them.  So,  I was his friend. We did everything together.  He never got invited to birthday parties - so we had other kinds of parties.  He never got invited to other kids' houses to play. So I played - or someone I knew played with him.  I guess he was an unsuccessful kid. He is now an unsuccessful adult.   Not much has changed I guess. Not much at all.

A few months ago I found out about a grant that was awarded to the Dept. of Workforce Development.  It is a training grant that focuses on persons who want to be welders.  I showed the flyer to him and he did nothing. I persisted and eventually he made a call. Last week he was accepted into a "welding bootcamp" program that starts in August. This will cost me $500. If completed $300 will be returned.  He seems resigned to doing this.Not enthusiastic.  My husband predicts he will either get kicked out or quit and says that I'm throwing away money.  My friend says that it's worth the risk.  I think this is the last chance for him - and for me. At least it's the last money I throw at him.  Can't give when there is nothing left to give.

As I close down this entry nothing has changed. Possibly nothing will change. That $7500 we spent 26 years ago to bring this child into our lives has not yielded much in terms of joy or happiness or even normalcy.  For all the graduations, proms, first dates, girlfriends, first cars, college applications, engagements, grandchildren etc that I have never experienced, I often wonder if it has been worth it.  I'm not sure it has been.  And that sucks to say.

Oh - guess what - he just reached level 66 of Candy Crush.....oh yippee.

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