Searching for happy

I started this blog as a therapeutic way to cope with the challenges of my aging.  It hasn't taken me long to figure out that I am the biggest challenge to my own aging.. I suck at meeting my own challenge.  I suck at it because I am not a happy person. I come from a family of gloom-sayers.  Our glasses aren't half empty - we don't have glasses.

I've read that 60% of our attitude toward life is genetically driven.  Some folks are born with a propensity to find the silver lining.  The rest of us hate those people. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word.  I can only speak for myself and I simply envy those people. I want some of what they're eating - or smoking.  That leaves 40% of our personality that is shaped by environment and other influences.  Thanks Mom.

Yesterday my friend Barbara called me just to check in. It had been a while since we'd last talked. (actually it's been months but who is counting?)  Barbara is a teacher. She loves what she does and, from what I can tell, she does it quite well.  She swore to me once that she couldn't imagine life without teaching.  I've had great jobs - but I've never felt like that....so I never quite "got it".  But yesterday she called to tell me she was retiring in June.  Nearly bursting with enthusiasm she rattled off all of the wonderful things she was looking forward to. Travel, sailing (her new found passion), possibly teaching at the local university. She also plans to re-seed her lawn, take up painting, and take more trips to Montana to be with her grandchildren. While listening to her and trying to soak in some of her enthusiasm, I realized I would have to respond appropriately.  This was not the time to talk to her about other side of retirement.  In fact, the more she talked, the more I realized that there might NOT be another side for her. I put on my best fake "happy voice" and said every supportive thing I could think of.  And I didn't mean a word of it.  WHY can't I feel like that, I kept thinking. What the hell is wrong with me?

Barbara is just one of a handful of Happy People I call friend.  Each of them has retired or is slowly closing in on it.  They all share a common trait - the happy gene.  And some of them are not in places where happiness makes any sense.  Happiness has never made sense to me. It's too fleeting. It's too flimsy. I don't trust it.  I function best in chaos, disappointment and crisis. Good grief....did I just write that?

So I've decided to find some happy.  First, I checked in with a therapist friend and asked, "Can people learn to be happy?"  She said yes and happily told me about a class she teaches about happiness.(I don't think I'd want to take it) Then I called a local cosmetologist who specializes in makeup and spent an hour with her while she reformulated my makeup to make the ugly gray hair work better. ($150 dollars, thank you) I scanned the internet and looked for articles on how to BE happy.  I have a stack of articles and the prospect of reading them is depressing.  I also concluded that what I lack is stuff I like to do. Over the past 14 years I have been so focused on saving my kid that I neglected to find pleasurable diversions.  I don't swim or do anything around water.  I have no artistic ability- I just wish I did. I write to relieve frustration - but who doesn't?  I am clumsy so I can't dance.Exercise bores me. I'm not rich enough to travel to exotic places..

What to do?

Here is what I'm going to do: I'm pushing the proverbial envelope.  I've decided to teach myself how to make gruesome, weird collages because I like gruesome, weird stuff. I am signing up for a Tai Chi class in June. I intend to go to North Carolina this summer to spend time with a few friends.  I am steeling myself to allow my son to dig out of his latest mess all by himself.  I've invited people over for dinner this weekend (I hate entertaining. it makes me nervous).  And , as if on cue,  the universe jumped in yesterday and offered me an opportunity to get my 3000 hours to complete my counseling license.  This license thing is iffy because I now question why I pursued that in the first place. Is it part of my need to save the world, to be a good girl, or do I think I might actually be good at it?  Jury is still out.  Not sure.  But I'm certain I can come up with 500 reason why it won't work. Because that's what I do best....for now.