The Incredible Shrinking Woman

So I haven't blogged for awhile. Too much going on. So, naturally, it would take something major to redirect my attention to anything other than my hectic life. Case in point: The annual physical.

Let's roll back to late October when, out of the blue I get a phone call from an enthusiastic young man who identified himself as Brad from United Health. His mission that afternoon was to convince me that it was time for my annual physical.( How creepy is that...? )  "How do you know I haven't had one?" I asked. "Your records don't show one for this calendar year," he responded. "Brad?." I replied, "Are you watching me? Has United Health joined the NSA to spy on me? WTF? I don't need an annual exam...I've been at the doctors' many times since May...I'm fine. Really." "Ma'am," Brad commented, "We encourage annual physicals and to make it easier for you we have arranged to have several pharmacies available to perform the exam for you...to make it more convenient .for you...maybe closer to your home.  I can even make the appointment for you.""  "Brad, " I responded, "My doctor is less than three miles from my house. I think I can get there.  I can still drive. My brain still functions. I don't wear diapers. I still have most of my teeth. And I don't need any help."

Brad was silent for  few seconds. "Well, ma'am (knock off the freakin' ma'am stuff already!!!) If you complete your annual physical we will send you $15"  "Brad, I said softly and slowly, "I don't need to be bribed to see a doctor. Keep your money...really keep your money."  Apparently Brad has never experienced anyone who actually told him they didn't WANT UHC's money.  "But ma'am, it's part of our service to this plan."  "KEEP YOU MONEY BRAD!!!!" I said somewhat forcefully and I ended the call.

But I did call my doctor because not all systems had been checked and what the hell - it is free.

Turns out my doctor was booking physicals way into 2015 but the receptionist said she was familiar with UHC's aggressive tactics and she would schedule me with the NP. I took it.  Nothing special happened. After all, for a woman closing in on 67, I'm in pretty good shape...except....omg...tell me it, isn't so...I have shrunk a quarter of an inch!!! I made the nurse measure me again. I stood as erect as I could, sucked in my stomach (don't ask what that was going to achieve), stretched my neck and stood in the posture that my mother had always wanted me to have (Stand up straight! Stop slouching or I'll get you a back brace!!) But fact is fact. I am on the downslope. Shrinking. Withering. Getting smaller.

So what has aging given me so far? Grey hair I cannot dye. Deep smile lines. Freckling and strange bumps from the years of sun worshiping (baby oil, iodine and a reflector) sore joints, less collagen, diminished stamina and now - the cruelest thing of all. Shrinkage.

I'm looking for property in Lilliput...I'll still be tall there.