Postmarked: Hell

I live with someone who has a mental illness and because of this our life at home has a strangely discomforting rhythm.  While his behaviors are predictable and nearly set in stone, the impact they have on me is not..  I find I cope best with my son when I am mad. Screaming, vein bulging, hand shaking mad. Unfortunately, I cannot sustain that level of anger long enough. In it's place, fear and anxiety move in.
That's where I m now.

Several months ago I suggested to my husband that we take a month-long vacation. Rent a house someplace warm (any place warmer than this)  Travel there at a leisurely pace.  Get there when we get there. Stay there as long as we want. Maybe invite some friends and family to stay for a few days - or not. And slowly make our way back.  So I found a condo in a gated community in Kissimmee, Florida. And with much (and I mean much) anxiety I sent the deposit.

Now why would I experience anxiety while in the act of preparing for something I wanted? My son.  So much could go wrong before we left - or while we were gone.  It would, after all, be March and March has never been a good month for him or us. I convinced myself to be positive and move ahead.

 It  looks like my anxiety was justified.  Drug use has re-appeared.  His hair has been shaved to a military style prison cut. (Which he knows I hate...Maybe he's getting ready for the next arrest) I believe he has lost his job (I have no proof - he's just here too much to be working).  He is smoking in his room.(Forbidden) The room is a sty.(Won't clean it) Everything around him is in a state of neglect and duly reflects what state his mind is in. This is when things usually begin to go missing in the house...money...stuff..Hasn't happened yet but it is just a matter of time. This is - and always has been- the precursor to an EVENT. He has declared war in the house and will not engage in conversation. He has been given a deadline by which he is to move out. His door lock has been removed. Yet, he is mad at us for whatever twisted reasons.  We are the bad guys -especially me.

Persons with Borderline Personality Disorder are a therapist's nightmare.  At the clinic where I work we do all we can to avoid taking someone with that diagnosis. ("Hey Sara, I have  a great client for you..." or "Gee I am so booked, maybe you should give it to Tom..")....no one wants these people because there is rarely any change and many therapists do not believe change is possible. They are the clients that make YOU want to bang your head against a wall. They are are wired wrong....so the change has to come from the people who live  with them. Um...that would be me.

So, right now, I am struggling with what to do.  I have asked him to leave earlier. That's not going to happen.  I would love to find someone to stay at my house so I could maybe not worry 24 hours a day about what is happening here...but no one can do that .  I've even considered cancelling the trip and swallowing the 2600 dollar loss....but my husband says ,' no'.

There are many kinds of hell on earth. My son lives in hell.  We live in hell.

All I want is a 30 day retreat