Nasty Bits

The first time I ever cooked anything resembling a meal (Note: I mean resembling) I was in college. Freshman year. New guy. He asked me out and, as it turned out, it was an apartment date. I was expected to cook the dinner.

I'd never cooked anything. Ever.

My mom used to shoo me from the kitchen with wise words like "Get outta here! You're gonna spend your life in this room eventually - don't start now!" I always loved her for that.

But, there I was in the galley kitchen of a third floor Boston walk-up with a guy who looked like Paul Newman. And he wanted me to cook (audition?) for him.  In one hand he had a London Broil and in the other a can of peas. He might as well have handed me a live chicken and two sticks to create fire. At least you could drop a live chicken, open the door and let her run. Then you'd have to GO OUT for dinner. For wings, of course.

What to do? Call my Mother, naturally.
But how?  No one had cell phone. Long distance was expensive.Who cares? Not my phone.He'll never know.
So I sent my date out for something from the grocery store..I don't remember what. But he went.

Fast dialing. (yes, dialing) "Mom. I'm in a guy's apartment and he wants me to cook a steak and a can of peas. help!" She quickly imparted all the knowledge she could fit into two minutes. She also gave me a trick to use to get him to actually finish the steaks himself. Before we hung up I asked the most important question. "Mom! How do you cook the peas?"  I remember the silence.  And the answer. "Open the can."

So that was 1965.  This is 2013 and I've done a lot of cooking. But one thing always stumps me. ..the recipes that say, "after browning the meat, remove from the pan. Deglaze  (why can't they just say pour in some liquid?) with some chicken broth, scraping the brown bits from the bottom of the pan..."

WHAT BROWN BITS?  I confess that I never ever ever have any brown bits. It doesn't matter what I make or how nicely I've browned it...there are no bits. Where are my bits?

I skip over any recipe that calls for scraping up the brown bits.  Because I am bitless.  And you can't fake brown bits...and you can't cheat cause no one sells them.